Edward The Stalker
by ElectrikViolin
Summary: Bella and Emmett decide that Edward needs counseling because he has to accept that he's a stalker eventually right? Includes scared counselors, and an angry Edward!
1. The Confrontation

Bella :Edward!! Edward? EDWARD!!  
Edward: Yes Bella?  
Bella: You haven't told me that you love me in a whole 5 minutes !!  
Edward: I love you Bella  
Bella: YAYY!! (Does mad happy dance around living room)  
Edward: are you okay Bella?  
Bella: Of course  
Edward: then why the weird dance  
Bella: Oh I'm just happy because you just proved to me that you're a stalker that's all. I always knew I was right.  
Edward : **…**  
Bella: It's okay honey we'll get you counselling  
Edward: I AM NOT A STALKER!!!  
Bella: If you say so (then whispers "he's still in denial" to Emmett who's sitting beside her.)  
Edward: I CAN HEAR YOU I'M A VAMPIRE REMEMBER?! AND WHAT IS EMMETT DOING HERE?!  
Emmett: We should get him some anger management counselling too.  
Bella: now he's eavesdropping on my conversations?! Edward really is a stalker. (shakes head sadly)  
Edward: STOP IGNORING ME!!!  
Bella and Emmett: Calm down or you'll wake Charlie!  
Edward: GRRR…  
(Edward throws Emmett out the window resulting in a huge crash and a lot of glass. Charlie snores obliviously in his room.)  
Bella: You'd better fix that.

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Don't ask. I was extremely bored when I wrote this and wasn't going to publish it but well I figured why not....


	2. A crazy Cullen moment

**AT THE CULLEN HOUSE THE NEXT DAY  
(In the living room/foyer)**

Edward: "…"  
Bella: "Don't give me that look all I said was that I think you need therapy."  
Edward: "…"  
Bella: "Talk to me?" *Puts on pouty face* (Bella learned the secret of the pouty face from Alice)  
Edward: "Alright." *smiles his amazingly perfect crooked smile*  
Bella: *dazzled*  
Emmett: *Gags*  
Alice: (from upstairs) "JASPER I SAID I WANT TO SHOP _RIGHT_ NOW!!! Oh and Edward? Bella and Emmett are right. In your case therapy _is_ necessary"  
Edward: "Have you met your husband?" (under his breath)  
Alice: "WHAT WAS THAT?"  
Edward: Well it's true he's kind of depressed and has that weird obsession with war and violence…"  
Jasper: (Also upstairs) "It's just because I have to put up with you psycho people!"  
Alice: *growls* "NO ONE DISSES THE HUSBAND!!!" *Flies downstairs and attempts to run out the door thinking of all the things she will do to Edwards Volvo*  
Edward: *Restrains the kicking and screaming Alice*  
Emmett: *hands Bella a bucket of M&M's*  
Bella: *gets creepy look on her face while devouring the M&M's*  
Jasper: "AHH emotions headrush" *Grasps head while trying to jump off the stairway head first in order to stop the pain*  
Esme: *Restrains Jasper* "Why did I want kids?"  
Bella: *Is on a sugar high* "If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it! LA LA LA." *dances around the room Beyonce-style*  
Emmett: *Starts dropping mentos in coke watching the explosions with glee*  
Carlisle: *Walks in door after a hard day at work glad to be back at his nice, peaceful, quiet home.* "…"  
Bella: "Edward is a stalker! Edward's a stalker! Edward's a stalker! He needs therapy! LA LA LA!" *giggles*  
Carlisle: "That is it we are ALL going to counselling!"  
Everyone (excluding Carlisle and the happy sugar-drunk Bella): *Stops all actions* "WHAT!!"

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**I think I might be slightly insane but either way I hope you like this!! :P (Oh and in case you hadn't figured it out everything in *'s are their actions!!)  
Luv,  
Britney (ElectrikViolin)**


	3. Meeting the Therapist: First Impressions

**Two weeks later at the therapist**

"This is so uncalled for" Alice said "I could be shopping right now…."

"Agreed" said all other Cullen's in the small waiting room except for Esme and Carlisle.

"Have you met this family?" Jacob said as he leaned back in the uncomfortable chair. "You're a bunch of 'vegetarian' vampires that sparkle in the sunlight. Of course you need therapy."

"Jacob," Edward said restraining himself "Why are you here?"

"Well because I am in the lovey-dovey love triangle between you, me and Bella."

*Edward lunges for Jacob's throat but Bella has already slapped Jacob across the face smartly* "Moronic dog" she mumbled.

"It's why you love me" Jacob grinned.

"The Cullen's?" a young receptionist asked.

"Here" said Carlisle herding his family into the office.

**Once inside and seated**

Carlisle: Hello I am Carlisle and this is my family

Counselor: I am Berkeley Knopf, obviously I'll be your family and marriage counselor."  
Berkeley (Counselor cont): *Pause* Umm what are they doing?

*Jasper is hiding under his chair, Rosalie is looking at herself in a mirror sighing happily, Bella is in the middle of an intense stare down between Jacob and Edward, Alice is shopping online via her cell phone and Emmett is poking Jasper with a stick*

Carlisle: Kids!

Berkeley: Kids?

Carlisle: All of these are our adopted children except for

Berkeley: Seriously?

Esme: Yes. We love them all very much. *looks around the room* Although sometimes they make me want to jump off a cliff.

All Cullen children and Bella: NO! Not again! *They lunge to hug their mother*

Emmett: Mommy! Nooooo!

Jacob: Cliff-diving is fun….

Bella: Except when you almost drown, causing your little sister to tell your other sister who decides to tell your boyfriend making him go all insane and run off to Italy to die for no apparent reason.

Jacob: True. Especially when extremely SEXY, tall, native Americans are left behind. On second thought cliff-diving sucks…

Alice: LITTLE sister? Is that in reference to my SIZE?

Bella: No your age….

Alice: wha?…..Ohhhhh….. *winks*

Bella: *rolls eyes*

Berkeley: Ummm…..yes...well we'll start now with you telling me what you think of each other... _*_In his head* _This family needs a LOT of help._

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**AN: **Hello! I haven't updated this in forever but I was getting so many alerts on it that I decided to do it asap. :D Thank for those by the way. Oh and this one wasn't as crazy as the other two but don't worry...we'll get there...


	4. What we think of: Rosalie

Bella: What we think of each other?

Berkeley: Yes, we'll start with you, what do you think your family's worst flaws are? We have to be open and not hold back to get out any tension and anger you might be holding in.

Emmett: I don't understand.

Bella: He wants us to make fun of each other.

Emmett: Really!

Berkeley: That's not what I meant…

Rosalie: I don't have flaws…

Carlisle: I believe he said it was Bella's turn.

Bella: …Well I'll start with Rosalie I guess.

Berkeley: Then everyone try to think of Rosalie's worst fault.

Bella: She's a self-centered bitch that hates me and thinks the sun rises every morning to see her face. She also holds a pretty strong grudge.

Rosalie: I thought you liked me.

Bella: *Snorts*

Jacob: She's a venomous leech that dyes her hair.

Edward: She tried to kill my Bella.

Berkeley: _Your_ Bella? What does that mean? And…kill…? *starts sweating*

Carlisle: Rosalie's just a tad rebellious really.

Esme: I don't think any of my children have flaws really, so I'll sit out.

Emmett: She slaps me to much.

Rosalie *smacks*

Emmett: She's perfect.

Jasper: She scares me.

Alice: She's my sister but she disagrees with me way to much. I'm ALWAYS right you see. *Laughs manically at her 'inside' joke*

Rosalie: Well don't I feel loved? Can we move onto Bella now?

Berkeley: Sure.

Rosalie: She's gullible, and weak and smells horrible.

Jasper: Bella smells amazing! How dare you doubt her smell, she smells like raspberries in the magical land of unicorns…*drifts off into lala land*

Edward: Stop daydreaming about my girlfriend. It's beyond creepy and only I'm allowed to do that.

Bella and Emmett (whisper) : Stalker…

Alice: Yeah and it's pissing off your wife too. *makes incredibly scary face*

Berkeley: Girlfriend? Wife?

Jacob: Didn't anyone explain that to him?

The Cullen's: Ermm….

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**Okay so for some reason you guys want me to continue this, so here's the (very) late chapter four! Please review even though it's awful, because really I'm just doing this because it's vaguely amusing to me and because you guys seem to like it so much. My actual writing (none of which is on fanfiction) is much much better than this. **

**Oh and Disclaimer: I do not own the characters in this messed up story. **


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